i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
WTF
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks