If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl