*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
You Might Also Like
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Not all heroes wear capes….
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.