Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from