Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You Might Also Like
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Stonehinge
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.