first date idea we go to marriage counseling
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
We all have our pet causes.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
every college guy’s fridge
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head