My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.