When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows