Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
They’re stuck in your pants?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men