On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.