Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
In banana years, I am bread.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
He’s cranky this morning
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples