It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day