me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
You Might Also Like
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot