i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
You Might Also Like
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
haha same
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.