Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.