Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?