man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist