Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
he was correct
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
This January has 47 Mondays
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.