me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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I already tried new things thanks.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.