I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
i made a craigslist ad !
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.