SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Looking at you, Jesus.