Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.