Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
RT if you know someone like this!!!
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did