My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
#merica
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.