How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING