This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Close call…
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.