I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
You Might Also Like
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
*limbos away from your hug*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
me after eating Cheetos
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.