If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
You Might Also Like
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.