* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
<—- homeless romantic
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court