If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’ve had relationships like this
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.