“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.