This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes