I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[eats all your cotton candy]
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.