(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Attacked by a mop.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Does it…does it take 3 days