You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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yeet
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
getting old is fun
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.