Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
You Might Also Like
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that