Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Am I having a stroke?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit