Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
The 6 types of sex