cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
You Might Also Like
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Morning my dudes.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Worst perfume name ever.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…