The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”