When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
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After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*