why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
crazy
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.