Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.