How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.