As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE