[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne