I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.