Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Seas the day!!!!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.