Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now