Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sorry. Not sorry
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.